Stupid Things I've Done

...and there are many. I'll simply list the most brilliantly moronic ones:

• Ran full-speed into a glass door while trying to get a closer look at a woodpecker. It was one of those fancy Pileated Woody-Woodpecker lookalikes. Being Miss Junior Ornithologist, I espied it as I was eating my lunch and immediately rushed outside to identify it. But instead of sailing through the (what I believed to be open) French doors, I body-slammed a quite solid pane of glass and knocked myself silly. My parents just sat there and laughed. The woodpecker smirked. I wouldn't be surprised if skinflakes from my nose remain embedded in those doors to this day.

• Microwave Art. Being a jaded second-year art student, I wanted to do something unique and unprecedented. After a while I hit on the idea of spilling ink on wax paper and putting it on low heat in the microwave. Cool idea, no? Uh, NO. At first it was pretty interesting; the ink did some funny spattery things and made lacy, broken-bubble patterns. So I kept elaborating on the design and popping it back in the micro for another minute, and another. Can you guess what happened next, kiddies? I'll tell you: the wax paper caught on fire, the walls of the microwave literally melted together, there was a hellish snap and then all went unnaturally quiet. And that was the end of that. But if I ever had the opportunity to stick ink into a particle accelerator, I can't definitively say that I wouldn't do it.

• Joined Cadets. Picture a skinny, arty, geeky little girl with a solitary disposition. Now picture her in a dumb uniform and spotty boots which she can't polish correctly. Add a rifle and a really bad haircut. Finally, throw in about two dozen redneck yahoo boys. Who would have guessed I wouldn't love that?
  

• Wore an inside-out sweater to my very first job interview. No joke. It was a damn ugly sweater to begin with, and having all the seams and rough bits hanging out didn't help. I went through the interview all bright-eyed and oblivious to what must have been my interviewer's choking back of multiple chuckles. At the very end, she said I had the job... and by the way, did I know my sweater's on inside-out? There is just no good answer to that question.
  

• Tried to wipe a mole off of someone's face. My job was to feed a very lovely woman who didn't have use of her arms. The meal must have been messy and my aim wasn't spot-on anyhow, so I was making much use of the napkin. One little bit just wouldn't wipe off, so I had to scrub a bit harder. Still no go. I ignored it for another few forkfuls, and then tried again. After another round of this she looked up at me and asked sweetly, "Are you trying to wipe off my mole?" Yes. Yes I am.
  

I think that's enough idiocy for one day. Believe me I could go on at length, but I really must fly. The marshmallows won't toast themselves over the stove element. The washing machine is complaining about the comforter I just stuffed in. And I think the cat wants more potato chips.